Aries: [the entirety of the salt and pepper diner skit]
Taurus:
“In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”
Gemini: “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud.”
Cancer:
“I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.”
Leo: “Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.”
Virgo: “This is an on-fire garbage can. …Could be a nursery.
“
Libra:
“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”
Scorpio:
“‘No,’ I said. You know, like a liar.”
Sagittarius: “Hi, I’m very gay, and I’d like a few dollars.”
Capricorn: “We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”
Aquarius: “‘I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian’”
Pisces: “Everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds.”
the signs as john mulaney quotes
Published
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